Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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