Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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