I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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