so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
my shit smells like andre
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
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