I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
