I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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