Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
