the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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