literally had 100 drinks last night.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
