she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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