So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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