if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize
