I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
