I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
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