my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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