we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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