so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
