I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
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