Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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