I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
