can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
