Capitaan dildo arrescate!
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
In other news, I just burned my penis
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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