goodnight i made you a song goodbye
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
