how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
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