It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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