how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
