You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
