We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
