I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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