I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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