apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
