i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
