He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
