I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
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