i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
