Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
