I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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