I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
