soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
