I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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