Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
