I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
