Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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