You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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