who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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