1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
