If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
