Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
It's never too late to be topless.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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