God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
