my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
