Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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