I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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